Love won't ever look the same.
The same as it did before.
It will come wearing different clothes.
At a different time of day.
With a different form of hello.
At first, it may make you sad,
thinking of the last time.
Or catch you off guard
shoot it a smile.
Say hi back.
When love shows up,
allow your heart to trust it again.
Let yourself laugh at the madness.
Let your mind sink into the feels.
Let yourself go a little wild.
Don't skip this step.
Remember after all,
This is your favorite part.

November 2,2017                                                                                                    

Day 15 off the grid

We are driving out of Asheville, North Carolina today, to what was the most storybook perfect few days. Dottie and I got a little visitor from civilization back in Nashville. That tall guy with the backwards hat :) We met up in Maggie Valley, NC (the clogging capital of the world!), explored Bryson City, and then spent three days here in Asheville at the most amazing campground, with the most epic overlooks. 

We celebrated Halloween and the autumn season, and enjoyed every moment. I can already notice time floating by a little quicker. Those first few days were slow, and now this trip is already well on its way. But I’m trying to be present, and let today be today. Because today is amazing.

The past few days with Mr. moon man were incredible. Truly, I look at some of the pictures we took and it’s breathtaking. And those pictures don’t even do it justice to capture those memories we made. Every moment was perfection, every visual was picturesque. I wouldn’t change a thing if I could. We had plans to venture into Asheville, but we quickly realized we had zero interest in doing that at all. I remember saying, “The mountains and you, that’s all that I need.” and it was true! We enjoyed the overlooks, made a fire, cooked some food, and just enjoyed each other. We had late night moon talk, and morning coffee by the fire as we looked out on the Appalachian Mountains that painted the sky.  

It was lovely and beautiful, and for those couple of days, it was all I needed. The mountains and him.

To be wrapped up by someone who’s taken by you, feeling so many sparks and brand new feels. It’s the best. Just a few months ago, I was on the floor sobbing, thinking I would never feel or see the word “love” again. Like I was somehow unworthy of it completely. Feeling like the most unlovable person to ever walk the planet. I gave everything I had to someone, and still, he was so effortlessly gone; without even a goodbye for me. I remember saying to my sister on the phone. “Everything that I try, somehow fails.” I know none of those things are true, but those heavy, sinking emotions can force you to believe almost anything about yourself.

The transition is so strange. To go from madly in love, to insanely heartbroken, and then taken by a feeling all over again. It's difficult. Living authentically for today. Trusting, believing, and loving; trying to be completely new and unaffected by past people and things. It’s hard when you do feel again, to not instantly compare it to what you know. To set the two side by side and analyze the relationships, the partners, how you met, how they began, how they flowed and took off, the communication, the qualities, the humor, the physical connection, the vibe...everything. I have moments where fear starts to creep in. I think in yesterdays and tomorrows.

“Don’t get sucked in. Some shitshow is just going to happen to you all over again.”

“When you fall hard over someone fearlessly, the pain is unbearable when it ends. Can you really take that again?”

“Remember how badly this hurts.”

"None of this is real. It's all lies in the end."

Trust, love, passion, humor, spontaneity, fearlessness. 

In the midst of all of my flaws and imperfections, I hold tight to these things. But they don’t come without some second guessing. To give someone your trust, your passion, and your fearless loving is like jumping off of a cliff as you place those things in someone else’s hands. It’s a choice, and a risk. Its terrifying. But anything worth experiencing has never come without a giant jump... and I'm a cliff jumper. 

"If you live in fear, you're already dead." -The Avett Brothers

I’m driving out of Asheville today, and I reminisce; My visit from my inner child on those railroad tracks in the woods, and how she reminded me to be present, spontaneous, and light hearted. I’ve said this to myself since I was first left, and I’m still persistently saying it to myself. (Funny how our minds get it, but our hearts want to float and feel other things, even when we know better.) I’m doing my imperfect best to let today be today, without comparing it to yesterday or pressuring it to be tomorrow. I’m doing my imperfect best to allow new love to wear different clothes. Perhaps the next relationship I’m in won’t work out. Maybe we're not meant for one another. But maybe we are. And for that reason alone,

I think it deserves a fearless jump. 




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