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November 2,2017
Day 15 off the grid
We are driving out of Asheville, North Carolina today, to what was the most storybook perfect few days. Dottie and I got a little visitor from civilization back in Nashville. That tall guy with the backwards hat :) We met up in Maggie Valley, NC (the clogging capital of the world!), explored Bryson City, and then spent three days here in Asheville at the most amazing campground, with the most epic overlooks.
We celebrated Halloween and the autumn season, and enjoyed every moment. I can already notice time floating by a little quicker. Those first few days were slow, and now this trip is already well on its way. But I’m trying to be present, and let today be today. Because today is amazing.
The past few days with Mr. moon man were incredible. Truly, I look at some of the pictures we took and it’s breathtaking. And those pictures don’t even do it justice to capture those memories we made. Every moment was perfection, every visual was picturesque. I wouldn’t change a thing if I could. We had plans to venture into Asheville, but we quickly realized we had zero interest in doing that at all. I remember saying, “The mountains and you, that’s all that I need.” and it was true! We enjoyed the overlooks, made a fire, cooked some food, and just enjoyed each other. We had late night moon talk, and morning coffee by the fire as we looked out on the Appalachian Mountains that painted the sky.
It was lovely and beautiful, and for those couple of days, it was all I needed. The mountains and him.
To be wrapped up by someone who’s taken by you, feeling so many sparks and brand new feels. It’s the best. Just a few months ago, I was on the floor sobbing, thinking I would never feel or see the word “love” again. Like I was somehow unworthy of it completely. Feeling like the most unlovable person to ever walk the planet. I gave everything I had to someone, and still, he was so effortlessly gone; without even a goodbye for me. I remember saying to my sister on the phone. “Everything that I try, somehow fails.” I know none of those things are true, but those heavy, sinking emotions can force you to believe almost anything about yourself.
The transition is so strange. To go from madly in love, to insanely heartbroken, and then taken by a feeling all over again. It's difficult. Living authentically for today. Trusting, believing, and loving; trying to be completely new and unaffected by past people and things. It’s hard when you do feel again, to not instantly compare it to what you know. To set the two side by side and analyze the relationships, the partners, how you met, how they began, how they flowed and took off, the communication, the qualities, the humor, the physical connection, the vibe...everything. I have moments where fear starts to creep in. I think in yesterdays and tomorrows.
“Don’t get sucked in. Some shitshow is just going to happen to you all over again.”
“When you fall hard over someone fearlessly, the pain is unbearable when it ends. Can you really take that again?”
“Remember how badly this hurts.”
"None of this is real. It's all lies in the end."
Trust, love, passion, humor, spontaneity, fearlessness.
In the midst of all of my flaws and imperfections, I hold tight to these things. But they don’t come without some second guessing. To give someone your trust, your passion, and your fearless loving is like jumping off of a cliff as you place those things in someone else’s hands. It’s a choice, and a risk. Its terrifying. But anything worth experiencing has never come without a giant jump... and I'm a cliff jumper.
"If you live in fear, you're already dead." -The Avett Brothers
I’m driving out of Asheville today, and I reminisce; My visit from my inner child on those railroad tracks in the woods, and how she reminded me to be present, spontaneous, and light hearted. I’ve said this to myself since I was first left, and I’m still persistently saying it to myself. (Funny how our minds get it, but our hearts want to float and feel other things, even when we know better.) I’m doing my imperfect best to let today be today, without comparing it to yesterday or pressuring it to be tomorrow. I’m doing my imperfect best to allow new love to wear different clothes. Perhaps the next relationship I’m in won’t work out. Maybe we're not meant for one another. But maybe we are. And for that reason alone,
I think it deserves a fearless jump.
xoxo,
👗🌻
]]>
lovers of the sky,
crossed paths for a moment,
and all was romantic in the world.
]]>lovers of the sky,
crossed paths for a moment,
and all was romantic in the world.
10/29/2017
Day 11 off the grid
We had a great night settling into Gatlinburg, and woke up at the crack of dawn this morning. Dottie and I wanted to enjoy the sunrise up on the mountain from the overlook. Still dark outside, I made a pot of coffee, threw it in a thermos, hitched up, and we drove up that curvy mountain. A little light was just starting to peak over the mountains and through the leaves. I felt my insides eeking, I was so excited! It’s funny, because the sunrise is something I get to see fairly often. I’m a fitness coach/personal trainer, so I have those early morning classes and clients pretty regularly. But even then, on those normal Wednesday or Friday mornings, I can recall always feeling excited over the sunrise. It’s something that happens everyday, but it’s exciting! It’s miraculous. People all over the world view it, share it, hold someone as they look at the sky in awe. Dottie and I shared the moment, the sunrise over the Smokies, and it was breathtaking. Everything stopped for a minute.
Isn’t it interesting how in tune with the universe we all are. It’s in our instinct to slow down with patience and rest as the moon arrives. The moon and sun cross paths, and we all sit and pay close attention; romance over it. Suddenly the sun is out, and time speeds up a little bit. We hit go mode. There’s so much natural authenticity to that; living in the moment and living for today. As I watched the sun climb slowly up over the mountains, I could feel a new day coming. It was different than yesterday, and something completely its own. And I think a day deserves just that: to be its very own. Getting caught up in the mundane, sometimes it’s hard to truly live for today. With past relationships having come and gone, feeling a broken heart, trying to transition into something new. It’s not always seamless as you move on from one season to another, or even one day to another. I can remember, even just a couple of months ago when I was still crying everyday. Multiple times a day, breaking down, feeling so much pain over that heartbreak. I prayed and prayed, literally begged, for the day that I could make it through without breaking down. That day came, unexpectedly. That first night I didn’t cry myself to sleep, I looked around almost confused. It was so typical and had become my new normal for that period of time, that it was unexpected when it didn’t happen. I could see a giant crowd sitting on bleachers in the sky cheering and fist pumping while they chanted “YOU MADE IT!!!! GO HAVEN!!!”....and then I laughed to myself at that visual, and instead of crying, I went to bed laughing. That was a great freakin day. A transition day. It was truly what it was: that day.
I hit a new energy after watching that sunrise, and we continued driving up the mountain to the trailheads in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. We headed up the curvy mountain with that fresh new sun, and I began to remember days where I was almost frustrated with myself that I was still breaking down, sobbing, and feeling so lost and confused. I just wanted it to all stop, I wanted it all to be over. I wanted that season to be done, and I wanted to arrive. I would also do just the opposite. I would rewind my mind to the beginning of that previous spark of love with that person I thought I knew, and I would long for that chapter to come back. I wanted to go back, or I wanted to go forward, but I didn’t want to be where I was. The “right now” was miserable. The “right now” hurt. It was painful, confusing, and deceiving. It wasn’t what I ever thought or imagined it would be. Even if my own time traveling self had told me what would happen, that this is where I would be, that this is how my relationship would end, or that he would do those things and make that exit the way that he did, I wouldn’t have believed her. That’s how blindsided I was. That's how deeply I trusted and believed and loved.
Comparing the now to what was, and what I thought it would be, I so badly wanted out of that “today”. But in those moments, I gave an effort to be present, and to feel the feels. To feel and revel in those not-so-pretty emotions, even when it wasn't pleasant to. I gave an effort to be patient with my tears. I knew they were serving a purpose, and they were there for a reason. I’m never perfect, but I tried to let the todays be the todays, the yesterdays the yesterdays, and the tomorrows themselves. But gahhhhhhhhhhh, it was hard.
We made it to a new trailhead at the top of the mountain on the Tennessee/North Carolina border. Since I’m training for a half marathon in December, I’ve been trying to go for trail runs throughout the week. But often times, the trails have veryyyyy steep inclines up a mountain, so it turns more into a trail run with hiking. I call it interval training! (lol). I ended up doing 12 miles up the mountain. I started on the Appalachian Trail and took the Boulevard Trail, which led me to take a series of different split trails. It was crazy feeling how much colder it got with every step up the mountain. There was a little snow and ice on the ground up there, and you could literally feel the temperature drop with every single step up. I started off running, but there were moments that I had to walk or completely stop to climb up onto and over things. But I was okay with that, I chose not to rush it and let this trek be exactly what it was.
At one point, I thought I smelled a skunk, when about 10 feet later, I passed a shelter for Appalachian Trail hikers sitting around a fire, passing around a morning joint. I gave them a smile and a wink, and they all chuckled and waved back. It was neat seeing them, some thru hikers, others split hikers, but all doing something pretty incredible on their own personalized journeys. It was also nice being up on the mountain so early, because I saw very few people. It was quiet and peaceful, like I belonged to the mountain. The overlook at the top of Jumpoff Trail and Charlie’s Bunion were incredible. Standing at the top, I was glad I didn’t rush, that I enjoyed every step and climb, grabbing onto tree branches to help pull me up onto those steep parts. It didn’t matter that I didn’t run the whole thing. I didn’t compare this hike to yesterday’s, and I didn’t force it to be tomorrow’s. It was exactly what it was, and it was amazing. I thought about today, and the ways that it’s different from yesterday. And tomorrow, undoubtedly will be as well. And that’s okay. Today deserves a chance. Today deserves to be today. Patience. Trust. Patience. Trust. Give it a chance.
Dottie and I made camp at Elkmont Campground near Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge. Tucked away in the woods, the scenery is incredible. It’s true camping here. No hookups, no water, just a little slab of nature you can call your own for the night.
Once camp was made, I ventured the town a bit, drove by Dollywood and through the town squares of Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge. I made a run to Walmart to grab a couple of groceries....I’ll say this, and only this. I’m from the south. There are incredible sites to see in the southeast United States, but smalltown Walmarts in the south never ceases to leave me with vivid images that remain in my mind forever.
xoxo,
👗🌻
]]>
or pressuring it to be tomorrow,
it will never have a chance to be what it's meant to be.
Today.
]]>or pressuring it to be tomorrow,
it will never have a chance to be what it's meant to be.
Today.
October 28, 2017
Day 10 off the grid
Today as I looked outside, it was a little bit more colorful and a tad bit more fall than it was yesterday. I went for a workout near the railroad and river, and then decided to find a trail to hike. This trail was neat, a little tucked away hidden path. I had to walk along the railroad within the woods for about a half mile before I even got to it. I felt like a little girl just moseying along the tracks. Getting lost in my own thoughts, singing to myself, chuckling at funny things in my head. I like those authentic moments. When your inner child pops in and pays a visit for awhile, and you know you’re truly living in the moment. Kids don’t have that problem that adults have: being present. They don’t replay and compare today to yesterday in a negative way, and they don’t have anxiety over tomorrow. When I see glimpses of my inner child, I always think of it as a very well timed gift. Little Havo is usually popping in for a reason.
It was a steep hike, but the views were epic and amazing. I felt those changing leaves pulling me in, not wanting me to leave, and I didn’t want to leave them either! As we drove out of Nantahala later that morning, I could feel myself slowly unclenching my fist, not wanting to loosen my hold on this place, but also looking forward onto the next. I know we’ll be back.
We were headed towards the Gatlinburg area, and made a stop in Cherokee, NC. I looked around at a couple little shops, and chatted with some locals. It was an adorable little town with so many outdoor activities. One lady said to me as she sent me off, “Look out for the wild elk! You may just see some on your way out of Cherokee!” Low and behold, about 2 minutes down the road, that open field was FULL of roaming wild elk. It felt like a good omen. It made me think of my spirit guide/guardian angel.
This has been such a spontaneous, flow-with-the-wind trip. It’s been amazing, but almost nothing has gone as planned. This trip has been exactly what I wanted, but didn’t know I wanted, if that makes sense. I keep seeing a mental picture of my spirit guide leading Dottie and I on our trail. Looking out for us, placing us at just the right places, at just the right times. Introducing us to people she knows we need to meet, presenting us with opportunities for conversations that mean something and will stick. Putting us in front of views that pull our hearts and transform our thoughts. I can’t get that mental picture out of my head. Pulling and guiding us along our path, keeping us safe and in the light. I’ve never felt more content, more at ease, more free and on fire than I have on this trip. I haven’t worried a single time. It’s not that things haven’t gone wrong. Mishaps have definitelyyyyy happened. The power has gone out, the trailer hitch completely broke and had to be replaced, things (many things) have broken and/or not worked, the roof is leaking again...standard stuff that always seems to go wrong in these situations. But it’s my reactions that are different. I’m not feeling anxious or worried when there’s a problem. I’m in a head space where I’m only seeing solutions. I don’t feel like being a problem maker, but a solver instead.
It feels nice, to just let today be exactly what it is:
today.
xoxo,
👗🌻
]]>
and felt what I felt.
He took that turn,
so that I could meet you.
As the moon crossed paths with the sun,
we chiseled that path in the dirt.
And it all happened so that we would be here.
Exactly where we are.
There is such a thing as trail magic.
]]>and felt what I felt.
He took that turn,
so that I could meet you.
As the moon crossed paths with the sun,
we chiseled that path in the dirt.
And it all happened so that we would be here.
Exactly where we are.
There is such a thing as trail magic.
October 27th, 2017
Day 9 off the grid.
I walked out of Dottie’s door this morning to enjoy my cup of coffee, and was immediately greeted by my neighbor and Avery, the RV park owner. “Mornin!!”, they said in unison. Avery was born and raised here, and raised his 5 children here on the mountain with his wife Patti Jo. A few months back, Ken travelled here for a weekend in his camper, and he never left. He’s been living on this little plot ever since. When he told me about it, he said, “My family still doesn’t believe me that I’m not coming back. Well joke’s on them, this is my home!” We got to chatting and Avery invited me up to his home to see the panoramic view of the Smokies. I drove up his long driveway to a scenic picture of him standing on the front porch of his log cabin style home, covered in really neat antiques and family heirlooms. He casually told me that he built this home; that he and his son decided one day to build it. And so they did. When I tried to give him praise, he was almost embarrassed and completely downplayed the whole thing. He wouldn’t take my compliment.
Like….YOU BUILT YOUR OWN FREAKING HOUSE BY HAND. At the very least, please acknowledge your awesomeness and badassery. But he just shook his head, looked down, and said “It was a neat project.” There’s such an authentic, humble spirit that seems to float around in these little mountain towns. I think that’s why I adore these people so much.
He showed me the back porch views and they were absolutely breathtaking. A full 360 shot of the Smokies painted the distant air. He told me about the devastating wildfires earlier this year, and how he watched them all from this very spot. Just poof, in an instant, he saw them go up in flames. He pointed out the dead bald spots, and I looked with his binoculars. “That’s so sad.” I said. “Yes, but when they come back, those leaves will be stronger and brighter than they ever were before!” Funny how that works.
We chatted a bit about his son, who is a musician in Nashville. Our conversation was incredibly natural and flowed like the mountain wind. Just effortless, interesting, completely comfortable, and enjoyable; weaving in and out of life stories and paths taken. And again, I’m reminded what a small, yet calculated world it is that we live in. His son and I have mutual friends, he plays at venues that I go to. We both just sort of laughed and smiled, looking at each other with that “I’m supposed to be here” expression.
“I sure am glad that I met you, Haven!” Avery said as he sent me off. I sure am glad I met him too.
I don’t believe in coincidences, or chances. I believe we meet people for a reason. Whether it’s a 5 minute conversation on a plane, or we meet our lifelong soulmate at that perfect unexpected moment, every person has its purpose. Every relationship serves an intention for a season. In this tiny mountain town that I didn’t know existed and had no aim of stopping in, I fell in love with the Smoky Mountain sky, and I made new friends that most certainly left a little hand print on my heart. I won’t forget that amazing morning. The Fall views, the small world small talk, and making a temporary home in such a beautiful place.
I had plans to go hike and Avery pointed me to Deep Creek in Bryson City. On the way there, I stopped at the bottom of the mountain. I stood by the Appalachian Trailhead and took in the scene, people watching. It’s my guilty pleasure :) I could hear the river rolling, as I watched people come and go. To and from the convenient store, the restaurant, the outdoor shop; there were a lot of hikers coming and going, large packs on their backs. I could feel one of the hikers staring at me, as I looked around and watched people. He was sweating and out of breath, but in between his panting, he sarcastically let out “Ah yes, and here we have the Appalachian Trail. Idiots, from near and far come to make this epic quest. It takes a special kind of crazy person. Behold, the wonder…..” I laughed and looked at him with his large pack on. He looked wet, cold, and tired. He told me a bit about his trek. He’s been at the trail for a few days now, and it hasn’t been all that peachy or perfect. “But of course, the shitty moments are all part of the crazy fun!” he said. I laughed. That, I can agree with.
He explained how the hurricanes from the coast have brought in some pretty crazy storms along the trail. The storms are pushing people off the trails, and into all the motels. And because of that, they’re all booked. “See, I was actually already here yesterday, but there were no hotel openings where I landed. I hiked back here, just hoping to have a place to stay, and nothing. “Oh shoot, that’s awful!” I replied. He quickly interjected,
“But wait…Trail magic.” He said with his finger up and a smile.
“Trail magic?”
“Trail magic. See, I got to talking to Katie here on my walk today.”
He pointed at a young woman coming down the trail. We exchanged waves and smiles.
“I told her about my situation. I told her how I desperately need to go to a store for some more food, and some stuff for my hurt ankle. It turns out we’ve got friends in common. It also turns out, she’s been in my shoes before, hiking the trail with a slight injury, while being cold, tired, and rained on with no place to stay. She told me she would drive me to Wal-Mart, AND she’s got a place for me to sleep tonight. F*ckin trail magic.”
Yea. Trail Magic.
She had been where he had been. She was shown some kindness that led her exactly where she needed to be, found her own trail magic. And here she is, paying it forward. But it’s not just a wooded path in the mountains that carries around that trail magic. It’s our life’s path, everyday. Here we all are, just showing each other some kindness when we can, saving each other's asses when we have to, meeting unexpected friends, finding ourselves standing in the midst of serendipity, making a little magic. I thought about how many moments, just on this trip alone, I’ve been in that “right place, right time,” and knew it. Not even knowing there was such a place as Nantahala, stopping and falling in love with it. Learning so much about myself, taking huge steps towards self growth, and witnessing the irony of it all around me as I have. Meeting new people, ones that have intersecting paths and people in common with me. I had come home last night, cold and wanting a fire. I got to my front step, and Ken had left me a fire starter, some wood, and a note that said “Stay warm and let me know if you need anything!” Trail magic.
I thought about this past year and what it’s been. It started out wonderful, and then took an unexpected heartbreaking turn. I was in a committed relationship, until the man I was in love with, up and left one day. Moved away, without a goodbye or a full explanation of anything. I was blindsided. I dealt with some very intense feelings of pain and abandonment that I had never experienced before. But to follow, I also felt a lot of joy, made new friendships, and experienced major growth that branched from that breaking point. I thought, in particular, about August 21st: Total Solar Eclipse Day. That was a hard week. I was feeling lonely and a little helpless. I couldn’t seem to stop crying all week. Feeling completely confused, still, about the way that I was left by my ex. For lack of a better term, it was a total mind f*ck. I had good friends come to visit me in Nashville. By way of Trail Magic...
My friend Sarah Margaret moved to L.A. a couple of years ago. As she did, I connected her with my friend Jessica, because they both have musical careers, and I thought they might get along. Fast forward a couple years, there they were making a trip back to Nashville as a band (JEMS), making a stop on their Eclipse Tour. Trail Magic. We watched them perform and it all seemed full circle. Then we spent that day celebrating the eclipse. We all made a lot of positive intentions together. I spoke out about wanting to leave certain things and people in the past, and go forth on a trail of new beginnings. I set a goal to leave expectations and past heartbreaks behind, and to be open to new opportunities.
I want to allow new love to knock on my door, wearing different clothes. And when it knocks, I want to answer. Even if I’m afraid.
I relentlessly said those words to myself throughout that week, and made strides to mean them, and live them.
That night, we celebrated Jessica’s birthday, and went dancing downtown. We all swooned over the bathroom mural that had painted words we all needed to hear. It was about 5 minutes after getting back on the dance floor, that a tall guy with a backwards hat came up to dance with me. In a funny and cute way. Brooke whispered in my ear, “He’s literally the boy version of you.” We danced and danced, like a couple of psychos on that floor.
About an hour later, he was leaving the bar. I didn’t really notice, but I found out later that Brooke did notice, and urgently told our friend Jordan to tell him to get my number. “Don’t let him leave!!!” she said. Jordan happened to go outside for a smoke break, saw him, and said, “Dude, what are you doing? Go get her number.”
That guy did go get my number. And the guy with the backwards hat is now my best friend. I feel like we’re old friends, like we’ve known each other for years, but all with the excitement of just meeting. We’ve talked and talked about that night. Solar Eclipse night. How it all came to be. How at first, it was his friend that encouraged him to come dance with me because “She’s literally the girl version of you,” she said. So he did. And later, he was leaving the bar, because he didn’t think I was interested in him. Until Jordan, asked him why he was leaving without getting my number.
...all because it was Jessica’s birthday and we went dancing. Because he and his friends decided to go for a drink. Because his friend urged him to dance with me. Trail magic. The stars aligned that night. He was the moon to my sun, and everything happened in such a way that we just fell over each other. Each little thing happened for us to meet. The time, the place, each factor played a part. If one little thing had been different, we would not have even crossed paths. If his friend didn’t challenge him to go dance with me, if Jordan hadn’t taken that smoke break. Maybe if we didn’t sit outside, watching that total eclipse, and I didn’t speak into the universe what I wanted to be and do; that I wanted to allow love to show up at my door wearing different clothes. If we didn’t swoon in the bathroom over that quote, and speak into existence our intentions. If I hadn’t had my heart broken the way that I did. If I wasn’t totally abandoned the way that I was.
But it all came to be, the paths and people and places and times.
I was in love with a man who just up and left one day. He moved, without answers for me, or even a simple goodbye. I had never in my life felt pain like that, and I couldn’t comprehend why such cowardly bullshit had happened to me. But I see now, that it was trail magic. I think I loved him so much, that I justified too many wrong things he did. And I think because I loved him so unconditionally and deeply, that I never would have left him. I knew he needed me and I would have forever stood by him, feeling unfulfilled and lonely, carrying the weight of a relationship alone. But he did what he did. And the way that he did it scarred me so incredibly deep. It left me feeling completely unlovable and unloved, hopeless and in a state of shock. But it was also trail magic. Because I was able to pick myself up, on my own. I was able to show myself that I could, in fact, overcome that deep blow. On my own. And I was able to grow and become open to bigger and better possibilities. I was able to meet the moon to my sun, my best friend. And all with an open heart. My childlike heart was new again, and ready and willing to trust love one more time. Like Avery spoke about the leaves that were burned, coming back stronger and brighter than they ever were. That's how I feel.
I think the universe smiles when it sends a little trail magic. The stars are up there winking at each other, the sun gets a good laugh. They see us embrace, looking at each other with grateful eyes, and they know they're appreciated for their work.
Laying here in Dottie tonight, smelling Ken’s campfire sneak through the cracks in her imperfect walls, I thought about that unlikely conversation I had with that hiker. It was brief, but lasting. They call it trail magic. When shit hits the fan, then something pops up right when you need it. Or something crazy in the universe happens and you meet just the right person at just the right time. There it is, and you know someone is looking out for you. God and the universe are working; nothing is by chance. Just as Nantahala wasn’t even a planned stop, and it’s now one of my favorite places on earth. My spirit home. And as I talked with Avery, and we discovered how our paths intersect in weird little ways. Most of all, if all of the craziness hadn’t have happened in that past relationship, I may not even be on this incredible journey with Dottie right now.
I have a vision in my head of a bright turquoise trail that we’re leaving through each place that we go. I see our feet treading on, stepping, tripping, kicking, and dancing along as we must. We paint our path in our tracks, and all just the way that it’s meant to look. The steps we walk, the places we go, the people and creatures we run into. Those serendipitous moments of “This is weird. I’m supposed to be here. I was supposed to meet you. I was supposed to see this. All of that happened so that this could. Otherwise, it never would have.” Trail magic.
xoxo,
👗🌻
that was green yesterday,
is bright auburn with paths of orange
today.
Effortless changes
we're able to sit and enjoy the view.
The process of becoming something even more wonderful,
and all in a day.
I think just watching,
I might have changed too.
]]>that was green yesterday,
is bright auburn with paths of orange
today.
Effortless changes
we're able to sit and enjoy the view.
The process of becoming something even more wonderful,
and all in a day.
I think just watching,
I might have changed too.
October 24th, 2017
You know when you experience a heartbreak or a loss, and the pain is so incredibly unbearable, that you never think you’’ll make it out?….Only you do. You do make it out. But it’s not until you've actually made it out, that you realize that you have. And then one day, you’re like “Holy shit. I made it.”
Our first night in Nantahala. Once we got all tucked into our new home, I knew it would be dark soon, and I really wanted to explore and go for a hike. I went down to the foot of the mountain and saw the sign for the trailhead of the Appalachian Trail. It’s a 6 mile uphill hike to an overlook. Totally unplanned, I couldn’t have been more thrilled to hike a piece of this trail!
It seemed almost ironic, or meant to be in a way. See, it’s has been calling on my heart to complete this Georgia to Maine journey for awhile. Since last year, I decided I wanted to hike the full Appalachian Trail (in sections). I had planned on hiking the first section on my birthday this year, and made a goal to hike one leg of the trail for the next 12 years on my birthday. My ex boyfriend and I had planned it out last March. I didn’t want presents, I only wanted to hike a leg in of the AT at the starting point in Georgia. We had talked about it for months, had it all planned out for my birthday weekend. He decided the week of my birthday, that he no longer wanted to do it with me and left town to go to the beach last minute. I won’t forget him saying, “I’m not doing that anymore. I’m not even going to pretend like that sounds fun.” I remember my smile falling to the floor. I felt like I had done something wrong. That my dream was stupid, or that my idea wasn’t a good idea at all. Or most of all, that I stressed him out for being the way that I am.
As I stood at the starting point of that trail tonight, I flashed back to that moment. And the months that followed in that relationship, that did not work out. I thought about when I told him I wanted to live in Dottie off the grid for a month, and he replied “Wow. That sounds awful.” Or on a certain Saturday or Sunday when I mentioned that a hike and dinner sounded nice, and he would just groan. And on and on, each and every time I was shot down, I remember feeling apologetic. I remember feeling inadequate. I remember feeling stupid. I remember feeling lonely, as I stood right next to someone.
I headed up the trail at a steady pace. About every quarter mile, the incline began to grow and grow. The trail got super skinny at moments, covered with slick rained-on leaves. I nearly slipped and fell a few times. As I climbed that mountain, I thought about a lot of those moments, and the toxicity that those last few months of that relationship were. It’s tough, because I get it. Not everybody enjoys all of the same things. My dream, may not be the next person’s dream. But as I continued climbing, over that steadily increasing incline on that skinny path, I thought to myself:
Just because it isn’t your dream, doesn’t mean you have to hate on it.
There are dreamers, there are dream lovers, and there are dream haters. I have a lot of close friends and family members in my life who dream big. But some dream differently than I do. For perspective, I tried imagining my best friend Macy telling me something she LOVES and dreams of doing one day; something I simply do not relate to and do not understand. It doesn't sound enjoyable to me, and I reply with, “Ugh, that sounds terrible.”
I believe that response would break Macy’s heart. It would break anyone’s...See, it may not be my dream, but that doesn’t mean I should shoot it to the ground, rain on it, take away it’s magic. I may not understand Macy’s dream, but I will support it and love all over it and build it up, because it’s HERS—all hers. I want to be a dream lover to Macy, because Macy is a dreamer and I love her. Her dream really has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t need my approval.
I kept forging up that path, and I could feel my heart beating faster. That trail’s steep incline mixed with so many unraveling truths. I recollected those times, in which I felt stupid and inadequate; lonely. All for having an idea. And I have to say, I felt like a badass walking those miles up that trail. Here I am. I’m living off grid with Dottie for a month. Here I am, hiking a piece of this trail. For Haven, those dreams weren’t stupid. And for Haven, I’m making them happen.
Standing at the top of that mountain was simply serendipitous. I knew I was in the exact right place, at the exact right time. I knew that everything in that season of life happened, and not in vain. I looked over those mountains and the leaves undergoing a total seasonal transformation. I thought about the past few months, the heartbreak, trauma, and pain that I felt as that relationship (very dysfunctionally) ended. And in my mind, I noticed I was saying “was,” not “is.” about how it made me feel. And I thought “Holy shit. I made it.”
xoxo,
👗🌻
]]>
only it wasn’t new at all.
I think I may have lived here
in another life,
another time.
Part of me was here waiting on me.
Home again, home again
Those Autumn leaves danced around us
as we greeted each other.
]]>only it wasn’t new at all.
I think I may have lived here
in another life,
another time.
Part of me was here waiting on me.
Home again, home again.
Those Autumn leaves danced around us
as we greeted each other.
October 23, 2017
Day 5 off the grid.
I woke up to the sound of rain drops dripping against Dottie’s roof. I don’t think there’s a better sound. That contact, and connection from something greater than us. A raindrop, choosing me to touch in that very moment. I’ve always thought it to be sort of romantic, even divine in a way.
And as I sat there and and sipped my coffee, the rain was all the more appropriate. It matched that bittersweet feeling inside that I’d be hitching up and leaving Persimmon shortly. That little piece of everything tucked away in the Appalachian Mountains. That charming place I didn’t know existed. I left a little piece of my heart there. Dottie and I paved a trail that we’ll remember making. I couldn’t have predicted that I would feel so connected to each stop along the way. I had no idea that it would tug on my heart so hard. That somehow, in two days, we would make that little spot of land in the mountains, a home.
But Dottie reminds me, that home is where we are. And just as we know this was our home for a moment, now, on we go. Blazing another turquoise trail to find our next. It’s all the more exciting when you don’t know where you’ll land, and where home will be next.
On the way out of the park, I spoke again to Pete—the mountain man who lives on the property. He told me about his love to play the banjo. “I’d like to maybe one day make me a CD recording and see what happens!” “You absolutely should!” I replied. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s probably a legend on that thing. He said his favorite tunes to play are from
“Deliverance.” My kind of man! I told him I might head to Tallulah Falls next, (which is where they filmed a good bit of that movie), but that I might go up towards the Smoky Mountains first. He encouraged me to head up that way to the mountains. With it being such a dry year, the leaves are turning a little quicker, and “You don’t want to miss Foliage in the Smokies!” Of course, I listened to his advice. Pete the Mountain Man wouldn’t steer me wrong.
He asked to take my picture with Dottie. “I just love pictures! They’re memories you can hold, and you just can’t beat that!” I smiled so big because I couldn’t agree more. And off we went. I’m going to miss Pete and his authenticity. He’s exactly who he is, and he knows it. He’s kind, conversational, sharp, and unique. He has something important to say, but he knows when to listen. Those are some of my favorite qualities in people.
We headed up the highway towards Cherokee, North Carolina. We hadn’t gone too far, and yet again, I found myself cruising through the most scenic mountain town I ever did see. Those autumn leaves hovering over the great river, and a railroad running along the road the whole way. So many curves and swerves on that long and winding road.
You’re forced to drive slow, and I wasn’t complaining. It was incredible timing as I rounded a curve, and saw the Great Smoky Mountains train pull around the corner right next to the river, orange and auburn leaves swirling through the air behind it’s path like confetti. I melted. Every glimpse was a perfect snapshot of Fall in the Smokies. I saw a sign for camping, and cut a hard right. I just had to stay here! It wasn’t on the plans, but this town was just too picturesque to pass.
As I drove up that mountain and took in the view, I felt like a mix between Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, and a mountain woman version of Huckleberry Finn. I felt like I was home. I felt like maybe I had lived here in another life. Like part of me was here, waiting for me to arrive.
I made it up that winding mountain and checked into the Nantahala Tiny Home and RV Park. This “RV Park,” is a strip of land that wrapped around a flowing creek on the foot of a mountain. There aren’t any bathrooms, no nothing. Just complete, secluded mountain serenity. It’s remote, it’s quiet, it’s scenic, it’s perfect. There’s only one other person here. I backed in, and that was me “checking in.” I felt like even more of that mountain woman as I stepped out of my Jeep. My eyes panned up from that fast flowing water, all the way up to the highest high of that mountain. The Fall colors burst through me and lit a fire of excitement and content.
I heard my mind say to my heart, “Oh hi Haven.” and I was home again.
👗🌻
I didn’t know existed,
I knew exactly who I was.
I never felt
more at home.
]]>I didn’t know existed,
I knew exactly who I was.
I never felt
more at home.
October 22, 2017
Day four off the grid:
I woke up this morning, and the air had changed. It was slightly more Fall than it was yesterday. I smelled wood burning from a fire nearby, and I sat with my coffee and let that smell sink in. I made some breakfast, enjoyed the slow morning, and headed out in my jeep. I thought I might find a church to attend, go for a hike, just see where the morning went. I passed a little white sign that read “Sunny Point Baptist Church: Pastor Kenny Corn” I mean, how could I not? With a name like Kenny Corn? How could I possibly pass up the opportunity to see what Mr. Corn had to say.
I followed the little signs up the curvy colorful mountain. It led me to a small one room church next to an old graveyard. Only 10 rows of pews, and probably 20 people seated in them. I arrived a couple minutes late, and I swear each one of those 20 members of the congregation turned their heads as I walked in the door. Their faces didn’t even try to hide the looks of shock and confusion that read “WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!” “SHE AIN’T FROM AROUND HERE”. This was an old school church, and it was sort of nostalgic. A group of children stood in the front and sang an old hymn. Their little country mountain voices sang those harmonies and I couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. They were precious. They had such grit. I looked around at the stone cold faces sitting in the pews and wondered how they weren’t smiling at these amazing little kids. They finished and I began to clap. No one followed. The kids filed back to their seats, and as they did, I tried to meet eyes with each one of them with a big smile and a thumbs up as I mouthed “Great job!” One little girl looked at me with the biggest bright eyed smile, as if she’d never heard that before. I wanted to take her home with me.
The Pastor gave a sermon on the flesh vs the spirit. I swear he gave that word “flesh” about 5 syllables and I freakin loved it. Especially considering he repeated the phrase “When you luyuuuyuust threw the fleyyeeeyesshhhhh” (When you lust through the flesh) about 50 times in an hour. It’s the little things that always bring me the most delight. I liked hearing his voice, as I would occasionally people watch. The old man in suspenders, trying to stay awake. The 10 year old girl dazed out, braiding her hair. The little fidgety boy who probably wanted to be outside playing so badly.
I continued to get stares throughout the sermon, from people wondering who I was and where I came from. But as soon as it ended, a line of men rose and immediately came towards me to shake my hand “We sure are glad to have ya.” “We’re happy you joined us this mornin!” I chatted with the Pastor for a minute about my journey and where I'm camping. He seemed thrilled that I decided to pop in for a service, told me “God bless you young lady” and shook my hand before I left. And I thought, God bless him too. And each one of those folks. And those sweet children who love to sing. God bless each and every one of them. A phrase like “God bless you” sure seems to mean something different when it comes from someone you’ve never met, who you don’t know; from a different world than you. It somehow felt authentic. And almost made me want to cry. Knowing I’d be hitching up tomorrow morning onto a new place and a different time. He sent me on my way with a blessing from his God, who he knows. And I send him the same, from my God that I know. I think I’ll always remember that moment and this day.
I continued up the mountain after church, mainly just enjoying the view. Almost getting lost in it; hypnotized. I saw a sign for a hiking trail and discovered Cherokee Lake. Wow, was it gorgeous. Outlined in colorful trees, a pretty little dock that went out near the center. And tucked away in its own little corner of this town. Besides a couple of post church picnickers, there was no one there. I went for a stroll down the path and enjoyed every step.
I decided to hit up some antique shops along the highway after my hike. And Lordddddd did I meet some interesting characters. I stopped at a full time Yard Sale on a little plot of land, where I met Mack, his wife Joanne, and his brother Frank. They all run the business together and they were excited about the fact that I was there (maybe a little too excited). As I looked at some old hatchets, they started making some awkward jokes about what they could do with them. When Mack played like he was going to stab me, I thought, hmmmm this is the opening scene to a horror movie. Maybe I should leave now...Then Frank proceeded to tell me that he wanted me to be his “monkey.” That he’s got a cage for me in his home he’s going to lock me in. I’ve got to cook for him and do all the yard work, but he’ll let me out when he leaves the house so he can show the townsfolk his lady. Joanne just sat there rocking in her chair, taking a drag off her cig, and chuckling. Which sort of made it even more weird. More creepy comments, uncomfortable jokes, and then (Frank picks up a hatchet)
“Ya know, I could just cut off your big toe, and you wouldn’t have no choice. You’d HAVE to stay here with me and live in my cage!”
Aaaaaand on that note, I think I’m gonna go now. Bye Frank! He handed me an apple as I left and reassured me (at least three times) “I didn’t do nothin to do! It’s safe to eat!” Hmm, and that tells me maybe you DID in fact do something to it, and maybe I SHOULDN’T eat it. Thanks anyway Frank. Y’all have a good one. I swear, you can’t make this shit up.
I hit up another spot and ended up meeting a man named Robert. Robert wore a hat, a long beard, and a Trump t-shirt. We got into a long conversation about what I’m doing out here, and he told me how proud of me he was. That far too many people talk about their love and desire to travel, but they never go. They make goals, but they never get accomplished. They say things that never come to pass, because they talk instead of do. He was extremely passionate, and as he talked, his enthusiasm grew. He got on a roll talking about how rare it is for females to do “this sort of thing.” He said “Now I’ll be honest, I’m shocked that a girl like you is just out here doing this. Living in her camper, traveling alone for a month. And it makes me nervous, I think of my daughter. But I’m proud of you, and I wish more girls would do this! Instead of feeling limited by society, they should prove them wrong! Feel empowered! Just do what’s burning inside them! Society wants females to feel scared and limited. So f***ing prove them wrong!!” Robert doesn’t have any idea how much I thought about his words for the rest of the day. But I’m still thinking about them. And I’m proud of him too. He moved to the mountains, sold all of his stuff, and chose to live simply and run an old antique shop. He has everything he needs, family and friends, and makes time for the things he enjoys—traveling, hiking, road tripping. He chose and made the life he wanted. And that’s inspiring to me.
I headed back to Cherokee Lake after hitting those shops for a sunset stretch. Rolled out my yoga mat, did a few poses and breathing exercises, and let myself just be. The stillness is something new I’ve really come to enjoy. Im not rushing, like I’m used to doing. From a deep breath, to a stretch, to a stroll in the woods, to shaking that Pastor’s hand and having the small talk, to that drive up the mountain. I’m not rushing to get there. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey and the process of getting there. Taking each step, hitting each mark. I’m taking my time to feel, see, hear, and be in each and every moment. It’s new. And I love it. I finished my stretch, and actually decided to return to the church for the evening service because they announced that the children's choir and church band would be singing for the majority of the service. And oh my goshhhhh, they were so good. Those gritty, authentic, deep mountain voices singing the harmonies of old hymns that hit such a nostalgic note for me.
They reminded me of my grandmother. Her love for those old hymns. And sitting in the pew reminded me of my childhood. Sitting there, surrounded by my family, hearing those same tunes. Those hymns that never seem to retire. Generation after generation, we hear them, we sing them. Then we hear them again, and some sort of magic happens. It brings us back to those moments. The nostalgia is something special. I think I’ve been smiling all day. Without even noticing. Feeling present (not rushed), feeling alive, feeling a hug from my past self, listening to children’s voices—voices that maybe aren’t always heard, saying hello to my inner child. It all just makes me smile.
xoxo,
👗🌻
“Just keep going around the mountain til you come to Big Daddy’s. Hang a left, and then a right at the pharmacy. You’ll cross the railroad and see the river. Keep goin. When you come to the old cemetery on your left and the little white Baptist church on your right, you’re there!”
..I think those little towns are America’s best kept secrets.
]]>“Just keep going around the mountain til you come to Big Daddy’s. Hang a left, and then a right at the pharmacy. You’ll cross the railroad and see the river. Keep goin. When you come to the old cemetery on your left and the little white Baptist church on your right, you’re there!”
..I think those little towns are America’s best kept secrets.
Day two off the grid, just Dottie and me, and I've uncovered several of America's little secrets already. Met some unforgettable characters, had conversations that stuck, and maybe met a hidden secret or two of my own I didn't know were in there.
Day One: Jasper, TN. Dottie and I stopped at Shellmount Park for the night. Engulfed in trees, views of the Tennessee River and Nickajack Lake. Everything was perfectly quaint and serene. We made camp and for the first time in years, I had an amazing, long, unbroken sleep. It was incredible. I fell asleep naturally at 7pm and woke up at 6am. Absolutely amazing. I’ve never felt more rested. And waking up to the sounds of nature, rather than a blaring alarm clock was beyond comforting. In fact, I’ve made a strict no alarm rule this trip. I want to go to sleep when I’m tired, and wake up when nature calls. I think that makes sense. It’s in our nature and produces quality energy and sleep. The first day though, I found myself anxious, almost stressing to get it all done, get it all in. Do every little thing on that first stop. Looking at the clock, making sure I could hit all the to dos, each hiking spot, and places to see along the way before on to the next. It almost seemed like work. I got it all done, my heart beating a little too fast. I keep having moments of, “What do I need to be worried about/managing?!”….and “…oh yea. Nothing.” I could feel myself beginning to feel anxious about getting something done, and I would actively remind myself, “You have nothing to worry about. There is nothing to do. No place to be and no time you have to be there.” And in each of those moments, I looked back at Dottie, cool as a cucumber, just chillin, rollin. And I'm like... she gets it. See, take a lesson from your friend Dottie.
I viewed the edge of Nickajack Cave, before Dottie and I unexpectedly rolled into and stood in three states at once: Tennessee, Alabama, and Georgia. We even got photobombed by a herd of wild cattle while I snapped a photo of Dottie. #classic
We walked along breathtaking views of the Tennessee River and Nickajack Lake. I hit stop number two, a pit stop. Moccasin Bend in Chattanooga, TN. Beautiful hike just on the edge of the water, as well. I started to slow down a bit and became more aware of my rushing and anxiousness, and put in an effort to loosen the grasp and let it fall. I finished my hike and treaded on towards the Cherokee National Forrest. We stopped in the Ducktown, TN area. An unexpected overflow of campers—I should have known, it being the weekend and the height of Fall. No campgrounds in the area had any open slots. I pulled off to boat overflow parking where I saw two other RVs. Two older couples--super friendly people from Florida. They told me to park close and offered me some chili :) They’re retired and own homes in Florida, but said they live off grid in their camper during the winter months and on their house boat during the summer months. #dreams
It was kind of a blessing in disguise, the lack of openings in the National Parks. We got to sleep in the middle of the Cherokee National Forrest. Trees surrounded us, and a perfect view of the Ocoee River peaked through the Fall leaves. I’ve never slept so deep in my life. I was completely out from 8pm to 8am, when I woke to the rustling of those colorful leaves in the gentle wind. Truly wonderful. And it was a deep sleep. I’ve never felt so in touch with rest in my life. I got up and hiked the Clemmer Trail in the National Park. Great trail that led to Rainbow Falls. That entire walk I thought about time. Becoming even more aware of the fact that I had still been looking at the clock and why. I thought about that scene in Pocahontas (I know, lol) when she asks John Smith what his watch is. He explains to her that it tells time; tells them when to be where. And she’s baffled. You’re a slave to this?
I think somehow we’ve created a society of people that are slaves to time. Always in a hurry, rushing onto the next. It’s either “I’m late!” or “I’ve got to hurry!” or “I better run now so that I can get everything done!” Our entire day revolves around time. Our entire lives do. Rushing to and from, never enjoying the ride or walk there. It’s not about the journey anymore, it’s always about the destination. We can't rest until we arrive. We can't breath, laugh, or feel until we get to the stopping point. It's "WHEN I do this" and "WHEN I get here", when we have THIS much of THIS, THEN we can settle down and be happy. What about the in betweens? What happens on our way to work, or on that road trip to the vacation, or while we’re earning the money to buy that house, or killing ourselves to pay those bills? What about all of those times? Speaking for myself, I think I spend far too much time in my car with my shoulders tensed up, looking at the clock every 2 minutes, biting my nails, hoping I’m not late to my next meeting/class/client/party/outing/event. And not nearly enough time breathing, enjoying the view and moment without looking at the clock. And it was on that hike that I made a choice to not look at the clock so much this trip. It’s natural every now and then. But for the most part, I’m keeping my phone off. Which is easy because I haven’t had service 95% of the time on this journey anyway. I’m using it to take photos and pictures, to let my family know I’m still alive. But I don’t want to be a slave to time. I want to live authentically in the moment, enjoying the journey, thriving on the ride. Finishing up that hike in the Cherokee National Forrest, I felt my shoulders were a little less tense. My heart was relaxed, my body felt very much comfortable in its own. I walked on and felt that I had shed a layer. Hopefully the first of many on this trip.
And again, I got back in my Jeep. I looked back at Dottie, who's always enjoying the journey. Steady and sturdy as she blazes trails in style. She rides her own path. Effortlessly stands out and makes people watch :)
xoxo,
]]>
I've made it a personal choice in my life to invest time and energy into the things that bring me joy and make me feel alive. Often times small, simple, even overlooked, other times big. But if it makes me laugh, treats me with kindness, enhances my life for good, and encourages me to be a better person, I'm in.
I have a lust for adventure.
I thirst for an open road, a hike to a waterfall, a paddle down the river, a day on the lake, camping in the midst of earthy scenery. Nature calls, and I must go! Dottie is my partner in crime that has given me a gift. She enhances my love to travel and see our country's great outdoors.
Dottie has brought me so much happiness over this past year. Purchased on Craigslist in pretty bad shape, she's been completely refurbished, renovated, painted, tiled, and decorated from head to toe! From the reframed structure, all the way to the hand sewn curtains, the makeover experience was completely personal and deeply connective. The project itself was challenging, rewarding, and sometimes just CRAZY. But she has taught me a lot, is an unconditional home, and is bringing me endless adventures.
Come see the world through her eyes and follow our journey. In October, Dottie and I are hitching up, disconnecting from mainstream society, and connecting with US. OUR WAY. We'll embark on a 5 week journey in tow, just us two. Follow the ride, see how we go :)